How to connect again in your relationship?

When your relationship is becoming problematic and you are "growing apart", one of the most important ways to fix this is to learn how to "connect" again.

One of the books that I often recommend is the 5 love languages.  You can find it in your local book store, library or our Self Help Bookstore.  Essentially, it is the "language of connection".  If you want to "connect" with someone and build a good foundation for your relationship, you need to do the following....

1 Spending quality time with each other
2 Acts of service ie doing things for each other
3 Physical touch ie hugging, kissing or holding hands
4 Word of affirmation ie telling how much you appreciate each other or praising your partner
5 Gift giving ie to buy gifts for them

Now if you can reflect on when you first dated each other, how much of the above did you do.  Now reflect on "now", how much are you doing?  Knowing this, will hopefully guide you towards a positive change.

You can find out what your predominant love language is by following this link The5lovelanguages.com and complete a short survey.

Dr Vin@Epsychconnect.com

"Thinking glass half empty can be helpful too" by Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com

1/2 full or 1/2 empty

Glass 1/2 full or 1/2 empty.....

Some of us have been lead to believe that thinking of things in the 1/2 full context is always more helpful.  But is that "True".....

Well, this is my take on it.

When you are in a situation that you can fix something or prevent something from happening without too much effort or significant problems, then it is best to think of things in the 1/2 empty context.  People who are more anxious are more geared to think of things in this way.  It is good because the mind is then geared to think about possible problems and hence, will help you develop contingency plans to fix or prevent a possible problem from arising.

However, if the situation is very difficult and that you are NOT able to fix it or prevent it from happening without having a mental breakdown, then it may be best to think about it in the 1/2 full context and accept it.  Another situation where the glass 1/2 full mindset maybe more useful is where you want to be innovative and try new things.....

Hence, the usefulness of the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full mindset will depend on a given situation.  The trick is to have enough mindfulness or awareness to know when to use what.........

"5 Great Tips for more Happiness on Holidays" guest blogpost by Dr Timothy Sharp

Dr Timothy Sharp

I know we still have a month or two to go (here in Australia, anyway) before the summer holiday period (a time when most of us have a longest break from work and studies) but many of you are probably already thinking about plans for breaks and holidays and accordingly, I thought you'd enjoy this very important article from Positive Psychology News Daily...

How to improve vacations? 5 new research findings by Genevieve Douglass 

It’s fall in New York City. A mostly beautiful summer has blown past, and, with it, vacation season. This means that most of us are back to our pre-vacation stress levels. Research shows that positive effects of vacations fizzle out quickly, within a month, with one study finding that they were entirely absent after just one day back at work.

As we all look ahead to holiday visits, how can we make vacations more worthwhile?

1) Plan Trips

Just anticipating your upcoming trip may be the best aspect of vacationing. Researchers Jeroen Nawijn, Miquelle Marchand, Ruut Veenhoven, and Ad Vingerhoets found that pre-trip happiness was higher in vacationers than non-vacationers. Getting excited about leaving your stresses behind before you go on an adventure (or lay like a lizard on a hot rock somewhere) increases positive emotion, so it’s worth going on a trip, even a little one, to get this boost. One idea may be planning a few vacations in a row so that when you finish your first one, you’ve got another one to look forward to. I recently tried planning a trip while on a trip and found it to be a useful way of keeping away the dread of drowning in the never-ending work-ocean.

2) Take Vacations Often

In a recent study, Dutch researchers Jessica de Bloom, Sabine Geurts, and Michiel Kompier found that health and well-being (defined as a composite of health status, fatigue, satisfaction, mood, tension, and energy level) increased at the onset of the vacation and peaked on the eighth day. This is aligned with previous research showing that it takes time to wind down from a stressful period of work into a vacation.

This implies that taking a vacation of at least eight days may be the ticket to fully enjoying the potential benefits, but the authors suggest that more frequent, short vacations throughout the work year might maintain higher well-being overall. Previous studies indicate inconsistent associations between length of trip and post-trip happiness. The theory discussed by the researchers is that depletion of resources should be followed by recharging them.

3) Relax

In the same study referred to above, respondents who rated their vacations as “very relaxed” had longer-lasting boosts in happiness than did vacationers who rated their trips as just relaxed, neutral or stressful. The positive effects lasted for two weeks (not enormous, but still useful)...

...keep reading the full and original article, along with the remaining 2 happiness tips - HERE

Dr Timothy Sharp
The Happiness Institute Sydney

When you feel like a fish out of water......by Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com

When you feel like a fish out of water and find yourself in trouble, one of the main thing you need to know is that you are a fish.  Dry land is not always the problem but sometimes, the problem is that you didn't even know that you are a fish. 

Knowing yourself, your core values, your strengths and associated weaknesses are so important for you to untap your potential, build resilience and thrive in life.

So take some time today to reflect on who you really are, nurture your strengths, accept and manage your weaknesses.  Everybody has them......

Why is it so hard for us to accept?

So why is it so hard for us to let go or accept something even when we know that it is the "best" thing for us to do at that given point in time.....

To understand this, I think we need to dig a little bit deeper...

• Is it because we believe that "letting go" is giving up, losing, or failing and if we fail, then we are not good enough?
• Is it because "letting go of someone's memory" means that we do not care about them anymore?
• Is it because "letting go" means that we are irresponsible and if we are responsible then we should continue to hang on and try harder?

It is only when we know "why" that we can then begin to validate and challenge the belief or beliefs that hold us back from letting go and truly accept..........

Food for thought..

Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com

You have been referred for counselling.....So now what? By Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com

So what happens after you have been referred for counselling?

Well, this is my take on it......

Counselling encompasses many techniques and strategies including Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Mindfulness, Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT),  Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), Schema Therapy, Interpersonal Therapy, Relationship Counselling, Parenting Training etc, but if you look at the bigger picture, it all comes down to this.

Counselling helps people to accept that life is challenging and full of twists and turns.  Everyone has a story.  The trick to life is to embrace that and learn how to "play the game of life" so to speak.  If the game is too easy, then it loses substance, meaning and purpose.  If it is too difficult, then it can get too overwhelming.  So the key is to upskill so that your level of competence can match the level of difficulty.  So what are the skills required to play the game of life.  I divide these skills into 3 categories.

Facebook and Depression: What to know. What to Avoid by our Guest Psychologist Dr Deborah Serani New York

Facebook is the millennium’s new water cooler. Though virtual in its design, it serves as a way for us to catch up on the latest trends, share milestones, learn about juicy gossip, or live vicariously through the experience of others. And not only is it a way to keep up with the Joneses, but it’s a way to keep track of the Joneses.

Facebook provides us with social capital – and these valuable social experiences make us feel connected. But bear in mind that not everyone feels Facebook is an upbeat and pleasing social past time. Reading stories or viewing photos of friends’ activities could cause a user to feel left out or question the value of his or her own social status. Though Facebook can elicit warm feelings of nostalgia and connectedness, it can also spur jealousy and feelings of inadequacy too. With all these things going on, it’s wise to learn the psychological reasons for using social networking. When you understand what they are, you’ll be able to judge for yourself if Facebook is meeting the social expectations you hold.

Why anxiety and depression coexist by Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com

We often see anxiety and depression coexist "hand and hand" in General Practice.  Why?  Well, this is my opinion......

When I see someone with both anxiety and depression, I try to differentiate their problem into 2 types.

1. The primary problem is the anxiety and the depression is secondary.  What do I mean by this?  Well, the person is predominantly anxious, a worrier and tends to "need" control of their external environment.  They tend not to be able to let things go easily and tend to be a "fixer" of their environment in order to control their own anxiety.  They like routine, structure and predictability.  They tend to be a perfectionist, self critical and if this is not managed properly, it can lead to a fear of failure, a fear of not being good enough and ultimately, fear of being judged and poor self esteem.  Of course, if the anxiety is managed well and the anxiety is able to be "harnessed", then the outcome can be very good.  In actual fact, most high achievers are very anxious people.  However, like anything in life, a powerful tool is in essence a double edge sword.  If the anxiety is not managed well, then this can then lead to a lot of problems, a lot of drama, a lot of disappointments and conflict, and ultimately, this can then lead to depression.
2. The second type is defined as "the primary problem is the depression and the anxiety is secondary".  This is probably less common in my clinical practice.

In summary, it is my belief that in most cases of depression and anxiety (at least in my clinical practice), it is actually the unresolved anxiety or the poorly managed anxiety that leads to the depression.  So understanding this helps us in some ways, to prevent depression.

So here are my general tips....

1. Be more self aware ie Are you an anxious person?  Are you a perfectionist? Are you self critical? Do you know yourself well?
2. Learn the skills to manage your anxiety better. See anxiety as a strength rather than an absolute weakness. You just have to manage it better.
3. Learn to be more self aware and centred, learn life skills to fix the things that you can fix and importantly, learn to let go of the things that you cannot.  "Letting things go for now" is often the hardest thing for an anxious person.

Food for thought.....

Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com
MBBS FRACGP University of QLD

"The perfect parent....Is there such a thing?" by Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com

In my opinion....simply NO.

My wife's Godmother said to her once that as parents, we wear many hats.

The nuturer
The protector

The cook

The authority

The "slave"

The waiter

The personal shopper
The carer
The life coach
The teacher
And the list goes on......

So how can one do a "perfect" job if there are so many jobs to do.

So next time you overly criticize yourself that you are not a good enough parent, be realistic, up skill whenever you can, and remind yourself that you can only do the best that you can with so many shoes to fill......

Sharing my thoughts from ePsychConnect.com
Dr Vin

The truths behind rewards and consequences in parenting by Dr Vin @ ePsychConnect.com

Part of parenting is to prepare our children for the "real world" and the real world is partly based on rewards and consequences.

If you do well, you might get a reward.

If you do not do so well, you might get some consequences whether it might be natural consequences or one that is enforced by some form of authority.

The reality is that for this to work, the child has to have the necessary skills to achieve the desired behaviour.

So next time your child is misbehaving and his behaviour is not improving despite consistent rewards and consequences, take a breath, step back from the situation and ask yourself, "Does my child actually have the skills here or is he naughty?"

If the answer is that he is "naughty", then the next step is to up the rewards or up the consequences.

If the answer is that he does not have the skill, then we need to "coach" him and help him to succeed rather than upping the consequences as upping the consequences here will only make the matter worse.

Share with us your thoughts.....